The MOT test is changing next month (20th May) with new classifications, tougher emissions controls…
1. The Happy-Go-Lucky Drunk
The happy drunk can be identified by their incredibly good mood. They’ll laugh at everything, dance whenever they get the chance, speak incredibly quickly, explaining how awesome everything is, believing that they are having the greatest night of their lives… until the next day.
2. The ‘Bum’ Drunk
The ‘bum’ drunk will slur every other word as they devolve into a gross combination of sweat, spilt alcohol and vomit. They’ll fall all over the place like they contracted a sudden case of vertigo, and you’ll end up having to carry them around all night like they were wounded in Vietnam.
3. The ‘I-Love-You-Guys’ Drunk
The I-love-you-guys drunk will spend all night telling everyone how much they love them, recalling about old times usually exaggerated or made up, and crying because you don’t hang out enough anymore.
4. The ‘Back to Nursery’ Drunk
The ‘back to nursery’ drunk pulls a Benjamin Button as the night wears on, and with each drink they get more and more child-like until finally they are talking in a baby voice. Usually found to be the case in the unapproachable, scary types.
5. The ‘Battering Ram’ Drunk
The battering ram drunk spends all night paranoid that people are taking the piss out of them, and at some point they will get in a fight over something dumb, like some dude looking at them funny or another dude brushing by them.
6. The ‘Groper’ Drunk
The groper drunk acts more like someone who thinks they won an all access pass to every single breast, bum-cheek and uh, more intimate areas in a bar or club. They are usually easily identifiable by the hand shaped mark on their cheek.
7. The ‘Get Your Kit Off’ Drunk
The ‘get your kit off’ drunk will use a single drop of alcohol as an excuse to get in touch with their inner exhibitionist. They may spend some of the night topless, swanning around, showing off their pecks. The extreme version of this drunk may be found strutting their stuff around the dancefloor in nothing but their underpants, believing they are in the next instalment of ‘Magic Mike’.
8. The ‘Broken’ Drunk
The broken drunk just sits by them self, drowning their feelings in a tidal wave of Jager bombs, pints and spirits. They drink to forget their sober problems. They won’t say anything to anyone until they finally piss themselves and then break down crying because they’re sorry for everything.
9. The Drunk ‘Chameleon’
The drunk chameleon somehow manages to be every other kind of drunk all in one night.
10. The Qualified Drunk
The qualified drunk is different because they have no symptoms. That’s the point. They have gained their qualification of drinking. In other words, they’re alcoholics.